DESTRUCTIVE CONFLICT

DESTRUCTIVE CONFLICT

Gottman (1999) identified four behaviors--criticizing, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt--which he called the "four horseman of the apocalypse." These behaviors are indicative of an aggressive attack on the personhood of the other party and will almost always result in an escalating destructive spiral. These behaviors are not appropriate in a work setting and if one finds themselves using these behaviors or being confronted with them they need to alter the environment. Gottman found that "The first moments of a conflict interaction can set the scene for a constructive or destructive conflict. In fact, in Gottman's research the first minute of conflict with married couples predicts for 96 percent of the couples studied whether they will stay together or divorce¹."

Wow! the first minute of conflict behavior could predict with almost certainty whether the marriage would survive! Temporary avoidance may diffuse the immediate situation, but prolonged avoidance will probably add to the escalation. A destructive conflict spiral can be terminated with constructive conflict behavior and the relationship salvaged. But this requires a recognition of the destructive conflict behavior and the interpersonal skills, ability and power to redirect it.

¹ Wilmot, William W. and Hocker, Joyce L. Interpersonal Conflict, McGraw Hill Higher Education 2001